Day 90 & 91. Failure?

DAY 90. 29nov11. 140.2 lbs)

Mixed emotions on this day, so close to Day 92. I'm not at 'the end' because I know I have to go on - incorporating the water, the juices, the smoothies, into my everyday life. It has so become habit over three months that I think I can do it. Drinking a cup of warm water just whenever - whenever I think about it, whenever I am at odds or nervous or contemplating eating something I would rather I didn't, before I eat - whenever. A great suggestion from Angela Stokes in Raw Emotions.

Today there is one of my favourite vegan buffets (Vera's - an Asian restaurant that puts on a spectacular vegan feast - Carol, owner & cook, brings all kinds of special ingredients all the way from Vancouver (thinking of the Leonard Cohen song, "Suzanne", in which she offers tea "all the way from China"). Carol likely spends days preparing about a dozen dishes for the buffet.


A few days ago I - perhaps compulsively in true addict form - decided to go. After all, I reasoned, I'm eating a cooked supper every evening, so what the heck. I emailed my friend Greta, who responded back suggesting it was too soon, that I would suffer dire consequences. I thought about it - played the tape out, as the saying goes in AA.

Finally realized that yes, I would likely suffer dire consequences, such as horrible indigestion that would hurt for most of the night. I have taken to eating a cooked supper every evening which is always the same - organic rice cooked with kombu, in a bowl with a bean mix I make (sautéed onions, mushrooms, sweet peppers, lots of tomatoes, & Amy's canned organic vegan baked beans), over which I pour enough hot water to make it into a soup. This sits very well with me, especially with the dreadful weather we are having.

But, despite this cooked supper, my system is not ready yet for full on, mostly fried, food. I'm not ready for high fat (in truth, I should never be ready for it!).

This made me realize that I am feeling as if I have already failed - the usual reason for me going on 'benders' - that feeling of, what the heck, I have fallen off so far I may as well really go for it.

And I have failed - at least with regard to juice feasting. Thinking that if I had juice feasted, according to protocol, from Day 1, imagine where I would be today - Most likely down 10-15 pounds more than I am right now (just got on the scales & see I have gained 3 pounds from about a week ago!). I might also be in an entirely different head space - perhaps not in a quagmire about whether or not I can include cooked vegan in my diet, perhaps ready to be all raw!

But this is where I am - not brilliantly successful, renewed, cleansed, minus my mucoid plaque, unrecognizably slender or even all raw. I suppose that at least I'm not where I was when I started this. I have accomplished something. A sort of half success, half failure (put like that, my whole being droops!).

I did decide NOT to go to the buffet. I can hold my ground at least. But what is this, gaining three pounds rather than losing them? This is the day - Day 1, Day 30, Day 60 & Day 90 - on which I take comparative photos. I cannot bear to do it today.

Continued 30nov11 - Day 91

Did not go to the buffet. But slipped around dinner time anyway. Had several slices of 'Manna' bread & then a slice of organic multigrain bread, toasted, with a coddled egg on it & sliced tomatoes. It has been years since I have had an egg. Tested my pee - very acidic. (whereas it has remained extremely alkaline after eating the rice & beans).

I am struggling here. The sun is shining outside - & I am embarking on a new day. I will consume lots of liquids & hope that will firm my resolve - liquid diet, firm resolve?